Enter…A New Dimension

During my short visit with family in Arizona before Christmas, a sense of calm and mental clarity surrounded me like I hadn’t felt in many months. The starter medications my rheumatologist prescribed in November did exactly what he expected, so the daily chronic pain was not as intense…thank God!  It was refreshing to feel somewhat normal again.  My body responded well to his treatment without having to take much in the pain meds department.  I could actually move without grunting, groaning, or walking in slow motion with ugly grimaces on my face.  Happy thoughts of my slight reprieve swirled gracefully around in my head.  

After arriving back in South Carolina, the peaceful, blissful feeling vanished quickly.  A heightened sense of awareness overcame my body.  The uneasiness had nothing to do with intense chronic pain.  This was something entirely different.  The flight from Tucson to Dallas made me feel strange, so my immediate thought was I was near someone that was deathly ill. This was not the case.  Our connection from Dallas to Columbia couldn’t land soon enough. 

As I straddled two worlds, I exited the airplane and stepped directly into another dimension.  I couldn’t break free—first the pain, and now this.  Living in a tumultuous state of mind became more normal with each passing day.  No one should get used to that.  My thoughts were jumbled again, thinking of everything and nothing all at the same time.  

What is this strange sensation?

Will I ever sleep again?

I really want to sleep!

What day is it?

I love the rain!

Does anyone understand?

How do I manage this new life?

Why is wrong with me?

I hate the rain!

Where am I?

Heels or Sanuk’s? (flip flops)

Where do I go from here?

Will I ever sleep again?

I really just want to sleep!

Hair up, or down?

When does the housekeeper come?

Why are the birds chirping so loudly?

What have I done?

Should I cook tonight?

Where do I stop for take-out?

Can someone please make those birds shut up?

Oh, never mind…

When will I wake from this nightmare?

Why do the leaves on the trees look gray?

Bath, shower, or skip it?

Will I ever sleep again?

I really just want to sleep!

Insomnia took the last bit of coherency left within me.  God designed our wonderful bodies with sleep a necessity and I was getting very little for months.  In my mind, these silly questions and comments were all very serious to me.  They replayed in my head like a crackling, staticky, record, and I could think of nothing more.  There is little recollection of the few months between my Christmas trip and the upcoming spring trip to Arizona—which is probably a good thing.  

At the time, I didn’t know the uneasy feeling overwhelming my body were the effects of elevated blood pressure.  It was no longer pain keeping me awake, it was the incessant pounding in my ears, head, and chest.  I needed my heart to continue working, so as strangely as this sounds, I tried controlling the awful feeling myself.  My face and chest felt hot and tingly, so cold packs or compresses were always kept close by.  Many times, the pressure in my chest made it difficult to breathe, so conscious efforts were made to take deep breaths in order to slow my heart rate.  (In through your nose…out through your mouth.)  No wonder sleep evaded me.  I felt as if I fell asleep, I may not wake up.  Deep down, I knew I had no control, so I prayed…a lot…

When my daddy revealed blood pressure was the cause of my anxiousness, I purchased a cuff to start recording BP readings for my health journal. The new found focus was good, but equally bad.  It kept me on high alert 24/7.  There was a desperate need to know whether it was higher or lower than the last reading.  Vigilance and obsession temporarily placed me in a vicious cycle that was in a twisted category of its own.  I was a complete mess!

Another trip was planned for Arizona in early spring so I had to get myself together.  It was another much needed trip to reinforce the reasons I needed to regain my full and normal life.  Read Christmas in Arizona. Grandchildren do have a special healing quality.  With something to look forward to, I was thinking, I’m good, I’m good, but in reality, I wasn’t good at all!  Until then, I tried desperately to carry on, and smile along the way.  

I tried avoiding the “have you called the doctor yet” conversation with mom and daddy.  A doctor may not have allowed me to fly the friendly skies and I truly needed this next getaway.

I felt like spring would never arrive….

“Fear thou not; for I am with thee:  be not dismayed;  for I am thy God:  I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee;  yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.”  Isaiah 41:10 KJV (always)